Appletini
In the late 1970’s an Irish bartender known as Barry Lovern created the original apple martini. Three parts vodka, one part schnapps and one part Cointreau, this liquid apple delight is commonly ordered at bars across the U.S. The problem with the Appletini is that after several of them the sweet liqueur will begin churning your stomach. Now you’re feeling sick and the only person to blame is yourself for this terrible alcohol preference.
Banana Daiquiri
Everyone claims that while you’re in the Caribbean climate you should enjoy tropical fruity beverages. Wrong! You find yourself a duty-free bottle of spiced rum and get to work. Originating from Cuba, this drink is nine parts white rum, four parts lime juice, one part Grenadine, half a banana and half a lime. Blend all ingredients except for the fruit and pour into cocktail glass. Place the half lime on top of the banana half, insert banana into beverage and serve. Man law states that no man should ever order a drink in which fruit genitalia is the garnish. Ever.
Champagne Cocktail
There is only one instance in which champagne, by itself, is acceptable for a man to drink and that is New Year’s Eve. Champagne cocktails consist of six ounces of champagne, one sugar cube and a dash of bitters. The sugar cube is dipped in the bitters for a few seconds, then placed in the bottom of the glass. The champagne is poured over it and served. Nothing advertises your arrogance as ordering a champagne cocktail does. If drinking champagne is unavoidable, then we firmly suggest you chug it from the bottle.
Chocolate Kiss
Let’s clear the air right now: I don’t care what your girlfriend says, alcohol and chocolate do not mix. This sensual drink contains one ounce Crème de Cacao, one ounce Frangelico, one ounce of vodka and one Hershey’s kiss. Pour liquid ingredients into shaker with ice, shake well, strain, drop in Hershey’s kiss, and garnish with chocolate mint. Beware the chocolate mustache this drink can leave behind, which is rather embarrassing as it proves you’re oblivious, as well as pathetic. A good rule of thumb is that if the drink contains candy you should avoid drinking it at all costs.
Girl Scout Cookie
As if we weren’t bombarded enough with Girl Scouts selling overpriced cookies outside Walmart, the happy-go-lucky spirit of these tenacious tweens has entered the last bastion of manhood: the bar. With half an ounce Bailey’s Irish cream, half an ounce of Kahlua coffee liqueur and half an ounce of peppermint schnapps, this taste bud bending beverage is sugar, spice, and everything nice. Thus it has no business being in a place of desperation, delusion, and dirty toilets. As a man you can be seen eating an entire sleeve of Girl Scout cookies, yet if caught drinking a Girl Scout cookie you become the week’s inside joke.
Cosmopolitan
This gem is three parts vodka citron, one part Cointreau, one part fresh lime juice, two parts cranberry juice and lemon twist for garnish. One of the heavy hitters in the “girlie drink” category, the Cosmopolitan was created in the late 1970’s, but reached the height of its popularity in the 1990’s. With the help of a program aired on HBO called “Sex and the City,” the Cosmopolitan gained notoriety – especially in New York City where the show was set in and filmed. Everything about this drink counts as reasons not to be seen ordering it.
Dreamsicle
Honestly? A Dreamsicle? What are you, eight years old? No man can be seen ordering this drink, or any variation of it, such as a Creamsicle. This one is one part vodka, half part triple sec, six ounces of orange juice and a tablespoon of half and half. Mix vodka, triple sec, and orange juice in a shaker, pour into cocktail glass and float with half and half and there you have one of the least masculine drinks imaginable. If that weren’t enough, mixing half and half with alcohol, such as cheap vodka, encourages curdling, especially if the bartender mixes improperly.
Fuzzy Navel
The only time this beverage is acceptable for a man to be seen drinking is never. One of the most awkward moments shared with your bartender will be requesting a Fuzzy Navel. Only two parts orange juice and two parts peach schnapps, the fuzzy navel is not only weak, but loaded with sugar. You can drink ten of them and you will remain sober, and the odds of vomiting are nearly a sure thing.
Harvey Wallbanger
This fancy titled drink is nothing but a screwdriver in disguise. Three parts vodka, one part Galliano and six parts fresh orange juice, the Harvey Wallbanger is definitely a drink a man shouldn’t be ordering. Garnished with either an orange peel or a cherry atop the floating Galliano, this drink is severely sweet. In the 1970’s a surfer in southern California named Harvey was known to float his cocktails with Galliano, and upon leaving the bar one night he banged his head when he walked straight into the wall, hence the Harvey Wallbanger.
Screaming Orgasm
At first glance, nearly all men would and will say that a Screaming Orgasm is desirable and rewarding. Before we get our minds stuck in the gutter, let’s see what it takes to make a Screaming Orgasm. One ounce vodka, one and a half ounce Bailey’s Irish cream and half an ounce of Kahlua is what it takes to get the kitten purring. Pour vodka into shaker followed by Bailey’s, stir and add Kahlua and ice. Shake, strain into shot glass and serve. This drink packs a punch and will tire you out after a few rounds, just like any screaming orgasm should, but can you really be seen asking for it by name? Probably not.
Sex on the Beach
In this crazy world, a “Blowjob on a Pier” can lead to “Sex on the Beach” which ultimately leads to a “Screaming Orgasm.” Sounds like the tagline to an erotic love-noire. Blowjob on a Pier is the sister mix of Sex on the Beach, which happens to be one of the most popular drinks among bars today. One part peach schnapps, one part vodka, one and a half parts cranberry, orange, pineapple juice and garnished with orange peels and cherries, this cocktail is the fruitiest of the fruits. Guys who order this drink are usually wearing a pink polo shirt with the collar popped, a pukka shell necklace and undoubtedly the khaki pants. Pretentious as it is pretty, Sex on the Beach is a great idea for guys, but not a great drink to be heard ordering.
Slippery Nipple
This oddly named drink first appeared in New York City during the 1980’s; however, no evidence exists to credit the individual who created the cocktail. Pour half an ounce of Sambuca into a shot glass and then pour half an ounce of Bailey’s Irish cream on top of the Sambuca an dyou have a Slippery Nipple. Take notice the cream sits atop the Sambuca, as they will not mix together alone. This is a sign to stop while you’re ahead, because this shot is garnished with cherry and occasionally a dash of Grenadine. Ordering half dozen slippery nipples tends to make you look like a boob, so switch to something harder!
Tootsie Roll
Now this drink we can see fat guys lining up down the block to get. Half an ounce dark crème de cacao and half an ounce of orange juice combine to make a deceptive drink known as a Tootsie Roll. Served in a shot glass, the Tootsie Roll is extremely sweet and inadequately potent. Adding Kahlua will up the ante on alcohol content, as well as the heaviness in your stomach. If you remember the aforementioned rule of thumb regarding orange juice you would know not to order this drink.
White Russian
White Russians have a notorious reputation of turning the consumer into a wild, belligerent man-beast. With four parts vodka, one and a half parts Kahlua and two parts fresh cream, the White Russian packs a knockout punch. The popularity of the drink has resurfaced due to a cult film called The Big Lebowski, where the protagonist dubbed “the Dude” constantly requests, makes and ingests White Russians throughout the movie. For all these reasons some men like the idea of drinking White Russians, but once you spend a night praying to the porcelain God afterward, you’ll think otherwise.
White Zinfandel
Wine is an acceptable choice for a man to drink, but only if it’s red wine. White Zinfandel is a pink colored blush wine that doesn’t have the same complexities of a deep, rich red wine. Sitting at the bar drinking with your buddies, are you honestly going to order White Zinfandel? You sacrifice your dignity and machismo in doing so, as well as your cool nickname. Finally, no one likes a grown man tanked on wine spilling his guts to everyone he knows, while at the same time everyone laughs at him for being such a lush.
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